based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
