theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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