i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
