My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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