my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
