i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
