my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
