turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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