Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
