I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
