The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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