What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Someone came in the potted fern
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
