As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
