When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
