he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So apparently I’m into choking now
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