I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
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