god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
