the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
