He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
