I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
birth control should be required to get into college
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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