I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
