Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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