Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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