how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
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hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
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When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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