Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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