I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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