I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
