I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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