I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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