today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
