I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
