I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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