Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
