8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
