thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
