I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
