life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize