I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
