While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
