I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
