I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
there's paper in my vomit.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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