I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
