I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
