a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
