1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
