Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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