while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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