I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
God, I missed his penis.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
