shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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