turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
