I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
