When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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