I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They are going to name an STD after you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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