Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.