Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
