I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Drake has all the answers
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
