Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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