I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
