found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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